What To Get Dad For Father’s Day Who Already Has A Drawer Full Of Neck Ties He Never Wears

Father’s Day is coming up and my wife is always asking me what I want. Every year I tell her the same thing, but she never gets it for me:

I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot, range model air rifle with a compass in the stock.”

She just laughs at me and says, “No, really what do you want?”

Fine, I want a force activated, double bladed light saber with 1.21 Jigawatt energy pulse and a purple beam.”

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Oh, and a compass in the stock would come in handy too.”

 

 

 

But she just tells me I’ll cut my arm off.

 

Last year I got a grill, which would be cool and all, but basically it’s her way of shoving “Dinner Duty” off on me 4 or 5 nights a week from the last week in May until the first week of September. She does this as a sneaky way of not cooking for 3 months. In all fairness, she does put the frozen French Fries in the oven and bake them at 350 degrees for 15 minutes, or until golden brown. A grill for Father’s Day in my household would be like if I bought her some sexy lingerie as a Mother’s Day gift.

But women never quite see things the same way.

Speaking of my wife, you all need to check out her blog too. (Insert Shameless Plug Here: Heather Graham’s Blog ) I promised her that I would promote her blog on my site to double her exposure. She is an aspiring writer and has grand dreams of collecting an entourage of loyal followers to build a pipeline for a future business plan and possibly a book deal in the near future. Which will be great because when she is out on some book tour or writing junket, I can stay home and grill burgers for the kids.

I doubt I’ll get either my Red Ryder BB Gun, or my lightsaber this year, so I had to do some digging for suggestions. For my female audience, if your man is anything like me, these are all GREAT ideas. But then again, there aren’t too many people like me, so you probably want to stick with that pair of Superman Tube Socks you were eying up at Target.

I’m sure he’ll love it.

As for me, one of the top of the things on my “Father’s Day Wish List” would be the Henry VIII with heat sensitive vanishing wives!

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As the coffee gets cool, the wives tend to vanish. Note the subtle play on the heat of passion cooling to the elimination of the wives. This would be so cool!  (Oh, the puns don’t stop with this gift)

As another option, I am not a fan of the Family Stick Figures as window clings in the back of the family SUV. I don’t even really like the Star War’s Spin off clings, even though I’m a huge Star Wars Nerd. But Stick Figure Zombie Clings…I would DEFINITELY hang that along the back window.

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Has anyone seen that bumper sticker that says something like: “My Family Stick Figures Kicked Your Family Stick Figure’s Ass”  I doubt my wife would let me put either of these on our Nissan Pathfinder, but a guy can dream, right?

Another idea for Dad could be his very own Einstein Plush Doll. I don’t know why, but I would love to set Albert up by my Boba Fett action figure at work. Some guys have a Payton Manning Bobble Head. I want an Einstein plush doll.

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Of course you can never go wrong with the Candy G-String.

Image Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.

So ladies, I have given you some great idea for the over grown nerds in your life.

Ok, enough for tonight. My wife just asked me to fire up the grill. She bought some steaks for us to eat tonight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things You Never Knew Were Covered by ‘Obama Care’

With the ever-present threat of a lawsuit, we have created a world that must be prepared for anything. We’ve all heard the famous story of the little old lady who ordered a cup of coffee from McDonalds, promptly burned herself and then sued because she thought her coffee was too hot. This civil action paved the way for a settlement reportedly worth millions and forever after we have to read those annoying warning labels on everything from coffee cups to oatmeal bowls:

Caution: Contents are Extremely Hot

Have you seen the latest? It’s all over Yahoo News (which is a source  known for their journalistic excellence): the Center for Disease Control has jumped into the action with their version of a big government FYI:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/20/cdc-zombie-apocalypse-advice_n_864913.html

Did you click on that link?  No, really you should. Check out this report from the Huffington Post, clean your glasses or flush out your contacts to make sure you read it right and then come back and finish my blog.

Yeah, you read that right. The CDC recommends being prepared for all disasters…Bird Flu, S.A.R.S., E Coli…even Zombies.

Since I would hate for any of my readers to be attacked by flesh eating Zombies (except for this new manager who just started a few weeks ago over in Accounting…I wouldn’t lose too much sleep if he became a midnight snack sometime in the near future) I am going to give you all the skinny on the official government policy should we ever find ourselves fighting for survival in some post Zombie Apocalypse. 

It comes down to common sense, really. Planning ahead for a Zombie attack is no different than making a family plan for a house fire or hurricane. The same principals apply.

  1. You will need some basic food items (nonperishable can goods are best)
  2. Water (one gallon per day per person…unless you can jerry-rig some water purification system that recycles bodily waste fluids into an FDA Approved water substitute)
  3. Medication (such as extra blood, Zombie RX Hydrocodone [paten pending] and a bottle of Aspirin for the pain)
  4. Tools and supplies (such as utility knives, duct tape, radio, flashlights, extra batteries, a chain saw, shot gun, gasoline, and a really sharp axe)
  5. Sanitation and hygiene products (water purifier tablets [for those unable to jerry-rig the afore mentioned water purification system]
  6. Antibacterial hand sanitizer, feminine products and toilet paper will also all come in handy

The CDC recommends having a family plan of action that includes evacuation routs to the nearest bomb shelter. Take time with your family to discuss everyone’s duties and clearly draw out a map with bold markers so everyone understands where they are to go.

Good job gang, but can we do this in the dark?

Of course, in the event of an actual Zombie attack, there will be chaos and pandemonium, so it is highly recommended that you practice with periodic “Zombie Drills” to make sure everyone knows who their “Buddy” is. (Since Zombies only come out after dark it is also highly recommended to practice these drills between the hours of 2 AM and 4 AM when a Zombie herd is most likely to attack your home. Have a special bell that is used to arouse the house in the middle of the night from time to time so everyone will be prepared)

Be assured, with the passage of Obama Care, a special agent has reportedly been appointed as the new “Zombie Czar” that is the head of a special CDC Task Force responsible for investigating the plague just like they would an outbreak of Anthrax. The President’s non-elected Czar will set up a special lab with testing and analysis procedures already in place, patient intake management (all covered by your Obama-Care Insurance Plan, btw) tracking infection rates and erecting special isolation and quarantine zones for any districts deemed to be unsalvageable. (Such as any red state that historically votes Republican, for instance) The Zombie Czar will professionally handle this outbreak like they would any other disease epidemic: Investigate the origins and make every effort to determine how to best contain the outbreak while learning the source of the infection which may lead to an antivirus.

Now, I know everyone is going all crazy with “Judgment Day” tomorrow, so anything is possible.

Remember your mottos, campers:  “Be Prepared!”  (If you are a Boy Scout) Or “Always Lend A Helping Hand” (If you were a ‘Brownie) and we will all muddle through this somehow!