Things You Never Knew Were Covered by ‘Obama Care’

With the ever-present threat of a lawsuit, we have created a world that must be prepared for anything. We’ve all heard the famous story of the little old lady who ordered a cup of coffee from McDonalds, promptly burned herself and then sued because she thought her coffee was too hot. This civil action paved the way for a settlement reportedly worth millions and forever after we have to read those annoying warning labels on everything from coffee cups to oatmeal bowls:

Caution: Contents are Extremely Hot

Have you seen the latest? It’s all over Yahoo News (which is a source  known for their journalistic excellence): the Center for Disease Control has jumped into the action with their version of a big government FYI:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/20/cdc-zombie-apocalypse-advice_n_864913.html

Did you click on that link?  No, really you should. Check out this report from the Huffington Post, clean your glasses or flush out your contacts to make sure you read it right and then come back and finish my blog.

Yeah, you read that right. The CDC recommends being prepared for all disasters…Bird Flu, S.A.R.S., E Coli…even Zombies.

Since I would hate for any of my readers to be attacked by flesh eating Zombies (except for this new manager who just started a few weeks ago over in Accounting…I wouldn’t lose too much sleep if he became a midnight snack sometime in the near future) I am going to give you all the skinny on the official government policy should we ever find ourselves fighting for survival in some post Zombie Apocalypse. 

It comes down to common sense, really. Planning ahead for a Zombie attack is no different than making a family plan for a house fire or hurricane. The same principals apply.

  1. You will need some basic food items (nonperishable can goods are best)
  2. Water (one gallon per day per person…unless you can jerry-rig some water purification system that recycles bodily waste fluids into an FDA Approved water substitute)
  3. Medication (such as extra blood, Zombie RX Hydrocodone [paten pending] and a bottle of Aspirin for the pain)
  4. Tools and supplies (such as utility knives, duct tape, radio, flashlights, extra batteries, a chain saw, shot gun, gasoline, and a really sharp axe)
  5. Sanitation and hygiene products (water purifier tablets [for those unable to jerry-rig the afore mentioned water purification system]
  6. Antibacterial hand sanitizer, feminine products and toilet paper will also all come in handy

The CDC recommends having a family plan of action that includes evacuation routs to the nearest bomb shelter. Take time with your family to discuss everyone’s duties and clearly draw out a map with bold markers so everyone understands where they are to go.

Good job gang, but can we do this in the dark?

Of course, in the event of an actual Zombie attack, there will be chaos and pandemonium, so it is highly recommended that you practice with periodic “Zombie Drills” to make sure everyone knows who their “Buddy” is. (Since Zombies only come out after dark it is also highly recommended to practice these drills between the hours of 2 AM and 4 AM when a Zombie herd is most likely to attack your home. Have a special bell that is used to arouse the house in the middle of the night from time to time so everyone will be prepared)

Be assured, with the passage of Obama Care, a special agent has reportedly been appointed as the new “Zombie Czar” that is the head of a special CDC Task Force responsible for investigating the plague just like they would an outbreak of Anthrax. The President’s non-elected Czar will set up a special lab with testing and analysis procedures already in place, patient intake management (all covered by your Obama-Care Insurance Plan, btw) tracking infection rates and erecting special isolation and quarantine zones for any districts deemed to be unsalvageable. (Such as any red state that historically votes Republican, for instance) The Zombie Czar will professionally handle this outbreak like they would any other disease epidemic: Investigate the origins and make every effort to determine how to best contain the outbreak while learning the source of the infection which may lead to an antivirus.

Now, I know everyone is going all crazy with “Judgment Day” tomorrow, so anything is possible.

Remember your mottos, campers:  “Be Prepared!”  (If you are a Boy Scout) Or “Always Lend A Helping Hand” (If you were a ‘Brownie) and we will all muddle through this somehow!

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10 thoughts on “Things You Never Knew Were Covered by ‘Obama Care’

    • Rest assured Lisa, our Government is doing everything in their power to keep us all safe from any potential threat. The President swore an oath to protect us from all enemies, forign and domestic and since Bin Laden has been bagged I guess the latest threat now includes Zombies!

    • What…there were deeper levels of humor woven into this blog? You give me far too much credit, my dear. I’m just a humble writer. I am not skilled enough to splice humor on several levels at once. BTW, the new manager in Accounting thinks you are are a HOTTIE!

  1. I knew that ‘Zombie Hunter’s Handbook’ would come in handy someday. Don’t forget suitable costume for surviving the zombie hordes, though, Aaron. I don’t see ‘impractical red dress/hotpants/tuxedo’ anywhere on your list.

    • No, no, no, no Charlotte! Everyone knows that Zombies are ATTRACTED to red evening gowns, sexy hot pants and tuxes! In every horror flick those are the FIRST floozies to get eaten.

      The survivors are usually the ‘Salt of the Earth’ type who find help with a crusty old man who has been living in his pickup truck for the past 2 years.

      Perhaps we should add to the list of essentials you should pack an old pair of blue jeans and a red flanal shirt so the brainless Zombies would think you are ‘Old Man Joe’ who always seems survives these things.

      • Uh…Aaron…everyone knows that a red flannel shirts and blue jeans attract ALIENS–especially when you’re traveling in a pickup truck in the backwoods after a hunting trip. As far as I know, the zombies don’t use probes, either. Pick your poison.

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